Just Cry

Just Cry

I can't stand it. You did it AGAIN.

You did it too many times, I lost count.

Why can't you stop your one-night-stand?

It's Sunday. I'm hanging out with my friends in a mall. Using fake smile in every conversation. Maybe I should just make some reasonable excuses and go home.

It hurts so much when you fake a smile. I feel like I want to throw up. I feel like I want to just lay down and die. This heart is hurting so much that I want to take it out of my chest! I want to stop faking this stupid smile.

“Jacklin!”

“Ray!” Damn it. He'll realize my fake smile.

“Hey. Good to see you.... You..”

See? He realized it. Damn. How should I deal with him. *sigh. How can he realize my fake smile EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN TIME?!

I did a good job even in front of my parents! I want him to stop realizing it, but at the same time....I always hope for someone to realize my fake smile, for someone to ask me if there's something wrong with me...for someone to know whenever I have something bothering me. Well, no one's capable of doing that. Even Ray won't realize a thing if he doesn't look at me or listen to my voice. He has never call me without reason anyway. But still....he is the first person who knows whenever I'm faking my smile or faking my voice (You know, using happy tone on phone even though you are crying. By the way, It's quite easy to do it. Just try it). In fact, he is the only one who manages to realize my fake smile in just a split second.

“Hi.” I cut his sentence. “Good to see you too. Well...., I'll see you around then.”

“Wait.” He hold my hand to stop me from walking away.

And.... I'm trapped. He will questioned me. Hah. I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want anyone to know this miserable heart of mine. NEVER. But he always manages to look at that miserable part. Please stop doing that! I'm barely...

“Guys, I'm gonna talk to her for a while.” he said to his friends.

“Sure” , “No problem” , “Okay” are his friends reply. Why don't they ask him to stay? I really don't want to talk to him right now. He will know right away. I don't want him to say I'm choosing the wrong guy or that I'm choosing a jerk or any other bad things...

I still love him... I know I shouldn't. I know I should just let him go from the first time he did it (with a couple of slaps, punches, and kicks). But I can't...I love him too much. Cliche, isn't it? Using that one reason 'love him so much' to forgive anything he does. I know I shouldn't. I don't need others to tell me about it. Can't they understand it? I just can't let him go!!

“Hi. I'm Ray, her friend. Do you mind if I talk to her for a while?” Ray asked my friends who just stare at him with their blank face, maybe because he is so handsome or because they're just shock he talk to them with his soothing voice. Anyway, their reply is none. They should've replied some things! His face is not even THAT awesome...Who am I kidding? 

I remember the first time Ray and him met. They were glaring at each other so fiercely I thought I saw fire on the background. Why they did it? Well, not because of me (a lil' bit of disappointment). It's because of POKER. Can you believe it? It's just a game! Don't you think it's better to fight over me, instead of that stupid game? They're not even on a winning streak, I were.

“Hey, you should've asked me first if you want to talk to me.” I said.

“You have no option in this matter.” he replied.

“What the...?!” He said no option. NO OPTION?! Who does he think he is???!!! He's not my dad, not my brother, not even my ex! He is JUST A CHILDHOOD FRIEND!!

In case you don't notice, this is called I'm kidding with myself. Well, duh! He who can see through my happy face disguise is obviously more than just THAT! He is someone important. Someone irreplaceable...but also someone SO FREAKIN ANNOYING! I mean, what kind of reply is that?! NO OPTION??!! 

“I'll take your silence as an 'okay' then. Thanks.” he said to my friends, one-sidedly. They're still staring at him without any reply while he hold my hand without letting go even though I'm kinda struggling to let it go. Oh! Come one! Stop that dumbfounded face! Don't be enchanted by that face and STOP HIM TAKING ME AWAY!

ARGH! He is too strong for me to free my own hand. I almost snap when he told me not to cause any scene in a public place and that I'll just embarrassed myself. Well, I don't want to cause a scene. So eventually I just let him lead the way while holding my hand (OBVIOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLY!).

“One Americano and one Mocha Latte, regular size please. Thank you.”

We're at Starbucks. He ordered my favorite Mocha Latte, without even asking me. Since it's my favorite, I have no complain.

We sit with our drink and he just ask me the question I don't want to answer. Still as straight to the point as ever. I mean, SERIOUSLY straight to the point, without any useless blabbering like how are you, how was your day, have you eaten yet, etcetera.

“What happened?” see how to the point this is? 

“Nothing.” I replied reluctantly, knowing he will know my lie.

“Don't lie. The way you smile just tell me something's wrong.”

There he goes. Figuring out my lie in a split second, without even doubting his assumption. It's not that he's wrong. He just knows me that well to figure out that there's something wrong with me. Can't he let me keep at least a lil' bit of secret?!

“I don't wanna talk about it” I'm so determined that I won't tell him a thing!

“You don't want to talk about it here? Shall we go to my car? No one will stare at you while you cry there.”

Just like that. My determination 2 seconds ago just crumble and.......GONE. How come he knows everything? I'm desperately hanging there on my own. 

It's true that I really want to cry out loud without holding back. But I manage to stop myself from crying, to stop myself from breaking down in pieces although my heart is already in pieces.

However, he just mercilessly break all of my defenses with one sentence.

“It's about him, isn't it?”

Hearing that, I just couldn't stop tears coming down from my eyes. All I said was 'I don't wanna talk about it'. How come he knows it's about my boyfriend?! Now my tears are falling and falling and falling and falling..... This will ruin my make-up. Ruining my make-up? I really am kidding myself, huh?

“Crying in public won't help, you know?” he said while handing over a tissue to me. 

I. know. THAT. 

“Crying never help even if it's not in public, you jerk!” I took the tissue and wipe my tears. My voice is kinda trembling when I said it.

“That's true,” he said. “But it helps quite much when you need sympathy.”

“I don't want any sympathy. That's the whole reason I faked my smiles. Why do you need to ask me anyway?”

It's true. I don't want his sympathy. But my question is not even a question, as I know the answer to that question from the moment he always realize my lies. He cares about me, not in a romantic way. He just cares so much about me in a complicated way. 

“Do you even need to ask that?” He said, obviously not a question. “Come on. I'll take you home. You won't be able to meet your friends with that face anyway.”

Although it is so frustrating, what he said is true. I can't stop my tears from falling down.

“Whose fault do you think that is?” I'm taking more tissues from my bag to wipe my tears.

“Of course it's yours. You have no taste for good guy, do you?” He stood up, taking both of our drink.

“Shut up.” I follow him to his car.

In his car, I just cry.

I just cry out loud with his music playing louder than my cry.

Jesie. S